During one of my therapy sessions, my therapist wanted me to write a letter to my Dad since I have so many Daddy issues. LOL. I honestly didn’t know what to write because there was just so much to unload that it was kind of overwhelming for me. Of course, like always, I always consistently pull through at the last minute. Some of my best work have been done at the last minute. I was literally pouring my heart out and typing up this letter to my Dad right before I walked into my therapy appointment. Let me just say that I live in my head a lot so this was difficult to write, but then to have to read it out loud was even harder.
Dear Dad,
As much as I love you and miss you, I almost feel as though I am writing a letter to a stranger. Yes, you were my Dad, but at the same time, I feel as though I barely knew you. You were the male figure in my life who just so happened to be physically present at home, yet it was almost like you weren’t even there. You didn’t say much, and when you did say something, it was because you were angry that my sisters and I were playing too loud. You didn’t provide much except for going to the grocery store and buying junk food and taking my siblings and I to school. That was literally all that you did. I wish I had wonderful memories of you, but I don’t. All my memories of you have been memories of you telling me that I’m stupid, that I’m ugly, that I’m not good enough, that no one will ever want me, and that I’ll never amount of anything because I’m female. You never allowed me to do a lot of things because they were considered to be things that only men do. Sometimes I feel as though you wished you only had sons and no daughters. Sometimes I feel like you wished I never existed. I’ve seen you bonding with my brothers, going fishing, hunting, and just treating them like a normal human being. I wished we had that relationship and I yearned for that closeness. I wished you didn’t look down on me. I wished you didn’t hit me. I wished you loved me. As much as you’ve hurt me, I do understand that we come from two completely different worlds. Our worlds didn’t mesh well and I wanted it to so badly. You never expressed any love or emotions while you were alive so when you were on your death bed and actually cried and said those three magical words that I had been waiting all my life to hear, I knew something was terribly wrong. It was such a bittersweet moment. As much as I wanted you to stay longer, I also knew that if you did, you would’ve prevented me from my pursuing my hopes and dreams. You would’ve stopped me from becoming who I wanted to become and that is sure as hell not a submissive child bride housewife. All these years that you have been gone, you have re-appeared in my mind from time to time and sometimes in my dreams. If I’m being honest, I’m starting to forget how you looked, and the sound of your voice. I can look at pictures of you to remind myself, but that would be like intentionally opening up old wounds. I know I can’t go back and create good memories with you in them because you have been gone for a long time now. All I can do is forgive you for my own sake.
